Wednesday, 7 August 2013

My brother is a page 3 model in the paper

I'm just kidding! But he was in the paper today. Page 3. For the past two weeks Matthew has been part of a group helping out in the community through the National Citizen Service (NCS). He's been having so much fun and he always comes home rabbiting on about his day, though I think he just enjoys hearing my ex-boyfriend's stories about his drunken experiences!

Anyway, since Matthew is one day going to be an actor, this definitely won't be the last time I'll be finding his mug in the newspaper. Here's to many more like this one...though perhaps more HD!

Monday, 5 August 2013

The reason I mostly refer to myself as a man

The truth is, a lot of girls annoy me. There is something beautifully magnificent about the female form, but alas the personalities of most I have across result in me banging my head against a wall. Oh the shame of being a woman in a world of pettiness! I both praise and despise them as a gender, and I find myself more and more often referring to myself as a man, or "one of the lads". And it's not just because I'm an engineer that I do!

Before I explain, please understand that this doesn't concern all women. Some women are awesome, and actually do us justice, giving the younger generations someone to aspire to be like. Unfortunately there are others who let the side down, and they are the ones who I am addressing here.

My first point is perhaps my biggest: equality. Women have gone on and on about sexism and how we should be able to vote like men and be paid the same amount as men. And don't get me wrong, I completely agree with that. I can't express how thrilled I am that we have come this far to be considered equals with men. But some seem to take it too far and only want equality when it suits them. How many girls still expect the guy to make the first move? How many girls expect a man to buy them gifts, take them out to fancy restaurants, "look after" them? Call me an utter buffoon, but I thought if it should work one way, it should work the other as well. Not every man is a multi-billionaire that can spoil you with the latest pair of shoes. Sorry. It doesn't mean that "chivalry is dead" or anything like that. So next time you're waiting for a guy to ask you out, try doing it yourself! The worst he can say is "no". Or, if you're one of these girls in a relationship that I've just described, try spending some of your hard earned cash on treating your man for a change - he deserves it just as much as you do. Remember, a relationship is all about giving as well as taking.

"Where are all the nice guys?" They are with all the nice girls, you great...poppadom!

Stop with the gender roles! Stop it! Stop! You are no longer a four-year-old girl who is dreaming of finding her Prince Charming, you are a teenage girl/woman who needs to stop complaining about double standards, because if anyone is enforcing double standards it is those of you who want to have the same rights as a man only when it suits you. Stop it! Please! Don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful to those women who fought for years and years to get us those rights. But some girls - and I must stress again that it is that small minority - want it both ways, and they shouldn't. Stop it.

My second point is to do with the terrible moment when I see a girl - more often than not a white girl - who has it all hanging out. I don't care how fat or skinny or tanned you are, please stop flashing so much flesh. It's awful. And what's even worse is sometimes these girls then expect guys to take them seriously! All the guys are seeing - all I'm seeing - are a pair of boobs and a butt. Sorry. It's the truth. If you're not gonna leave anything to the imagination, what else do you expect people to think of you? Have some self respect! Then you have some who have so much make up and fake tan on that they look radioactive because they glow bright florescent orange. I agree, not everyone wants to be as pale as me, and fake tan is a safer option to the sunbed. But some girls look like they been applying it with a trowel. And then in class you can see them at the back, applying MORE make up! I just don't get it.

And while we're on the topic of white girls, I would like to address what has become the stereotypical white girl in a club: STOP MAKING US LOOK LIKE IDIOTS! Squealing and tripping all over the place, spilling their drinks as they wave their arms to "their song", until they get so wasted that they're peeing and vomiting everywhere and pass out on some poor sod who was trying to find his friends so that he can have a good night. During Freshers week at uni I lost my housemates in a club and ended up hanging out with some black girls and guys, and we had so much fun just busting some awesome moves and generally having a good time. I didn't have to help a single one of them into a taxi, whereas one of my housemates the next morning had lost her drivers license and couldn't remember most of that night, apart from the fact that she had a strike on the Chunder Chart. Hmm...I wonder if I would've had more fun with them... Absolutely not!

Girls also seem to both love and hate one another, and maybe this isn't exactly our fault. Ever since we first started nursery/school our parents and teachers have introduced us to the wonderful brutality of competition. We learned that the desired outcome is to be the best: the best at tests, the best at sports, the best looking, whatever. And we still do it several years on, even after we've left school, because after school it's all about having 'the best' job, 'the best' house, and all that jazz. Competition is healthy, but it also causes us to judge people before we get to know them. Even I do it, as much I hate it.

But what I really really REALLY hate is when a person is two-faced, and nine times out of ten it's a two-faced chick. She can be sweet as pie to you, but as soon as your back is turned:

"Oh my God, I heard that..."

Stop it. Why are some girls so manipulative and eager to hurt or put down somebody else? It's cruel, unnecessary, and just plain wrong. You wouldn't like it if someone did it to you, so why do it? Stop.

Okay, this is getting pretty long now, but I really could just keep going on and on. Again, this is the minority of girls, but that minority make the rest of us look like ticking time bombs ready to blow up in someone's face. And don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect (my worst trait is perhaps the fact that I'm so freaking loud; I'm working on that), but I am perhaps closer to being a guy that being one of those girls.

If you guys can think of any other annoying things girls do, let me know in the comments section and I will be sure to check them out. In the meantime though, keep smiling!


Sunday, 4 August 2013

Short Story: Genetics

It was just weird now that it was done. She thought she would be fine with it; after all, they both wanted it to be as close to theirs as possible. But now, as Lisa looked down at the little bundle in her arms she couldn't help but think:

"This isn't my son."

And biologically, he wasn't. It was only legally that he would be hers.


The biological mother - her wife - lay in the hospital bed that she sat upon, the huge grin she'd worn slipping from her face. The biological father - her own father - stood in a corner of the room behind her, his arms crossed as he watched the three of them. And this baby in her arms - her half brother - would be brought up by her and his mother.

"Lisa, are you alright?" Pam's face was a picture of pure happiness, so why wasn't she happy? She had agreed to the arrangement just like Pam and her dad did. But now that it was done...


She needed to get out of there. Before she knew it her face was being hit by the cool fresh air and she was already crossing the main road away from the hospital. The baby started to cry, causing her to jump; she thought she had left him in the ward with his parents. She felt sick as she cooed and rocked him in a bid to quieten him down, but to no avail. He knew she wasn't his mother. She was his sister, just some older sibling who had no authority over him.

And so he cried. He just kept crying. She tried holding him tight against her chest but he screamed as though she was hurting him. Her eyes darted around for the hospital building but it was nowhere to be seen. Where was she? She needed to get him back to his rightful parents. Back to her father. Back to Pam.

His cries were getting louder. He wanted his mother.

"He's not my son. He's not my son. He's not my..."


"Lisa! Lisa, wake up!"

Lisa sat bolt upright panting. It took a moment for her vision to clear before she realised she was in bed and that Pam was sat next to her rubbing her back, her eyes filled with concern.

"Babe, are you okay?"

Lisa nodded as tears rolled down her cheeks. "It was just a bad dream," she whispered. "Just a bad dream. I'm alright."

The two of them settled back down into bed, Pam holding Lisa tightly from behind, and she felt as Lisa sighed and relaxed into her embrace.

"It's to do with the IVF, isn't it?" Pam knew her all so well.

"Yeah, it is."

"It's okay. We don't have to use your father as a donor. When I think about it now, I wouldn't like it if my dad was to do that for us."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be silly! We can just use an anonymous donor instead. If I'm honest, I'm rather relieved you don't want us to have your dad's child."

Lisa chuckled. "Yeah, we really didn't think that one through!"

"No, we didn't!" Pam laughed.

"But now how are we going to have a child that's both-"

"Don't worry about that; we can work something out. I love you, and that's all that matters."

"I love you too. And Pam?"


"Thank you."


With my right foot!

Am I funny? Am I? No? Dammit!

It looks a little like a six-year-old's handwriting...
But seriously, I am writing a short story at the moment which I should hopefully have finished and posted by the end of the day. It will be pretty short, but it'll be something after the several weeks - nay, months - that I have lacked any inspiration and motivation.

In the meantime, try writing something with your feet! Tweet me your pictures @IBitThePiranha, or email them to me at

Oh, and keep smiling!


Knitting for Rhinos!

A few months ago I decided to learn how to knit for a cause that I am particularly passionate about. The ivory trade has long since spir...